RESUMÉ: A NIGHTMARE IN BLACK AND WHITE

When I want to have a good, loud and healthy laugh, I read some resumés. Man!, are we good at lying or what?

In fact, a few weeks ago I was reading my old, kind of dusty resumé,  and I honestly think it sucked!, big time!. You know why?..Because maybe I need to know when to stop adding stupid and worthless facts to that poor piece of paper. I am still surprised companies hired me with this lame, boring and long personal soap opera. (I guess they did because I kicked some serious ass in the interview, thank God!). I am destroying it and re-doing it all over again, for the sake of personal honor and because I can't read it again without crying instead of laughing.

Please, don't get me wrong: Resumés are OK, they are the first impression we make and the key to enter into almost any hiring process. No doubt they are important. But they can not be trusted for a fact and they should always be double checked with a good, deep and thorough interview with the creator of the Curriculum Vitae ( Why the hell do we say this in latin?..:who do we think we are, Julius Caesar? uh?).

I would never advice to disregard any candidate based only in the way he/she wrote a life sheet. Always try the interview. A lot of surprises come up in the one on one situation. But, having hired (and fired) lots of people in the last 10 years, I have come to some conclusions regarding the things that I like and dislike about resumés.
Here they go:

I LIKE:

1) Short and precise information. And please, oh please!, include your god damn photo. I won't discriminate you for how you look, but if I have to review 350 CV's, at least make sure I don't confuse you with somebody else.

2) A different way to present the data. Once, I got a Resumé from a candidate, written in the form of a newspaper: "He graduates from an MBA! said one of the "news" printed on it with a picture of the graduation day. Beautiful job, which caught my eye immediatly. Interest me or lose me! It happens in seconds!

3) A story that tells me what YOU can do for ME, and not the other way around.

4) Real Life examples of what you are saying. If you say you speak 87% english ( I have actually seen this odd numbers on resumés) and when I start interviewing you in english you don't stare at me with your eyes and mind blanked, but you REALLY speak 87% english, well, you are OK then.

5) A curriculum that leaves me wanting to know more about you, and forces me to conduct an interview, one on one, in person, not by phone..

I HATE:

1) Longer than life Resumés. I don't want to know where did you go for Kindergarden education. I will know if the candidate went there when I see him at the interview and he shows at least some basic manners, took a shower, dressed properly for the event, arrived on time and cleaned those shoes.

2) Bullshit Skills. God!, this is the funniest part of them all. It really takes some nerve to write egocentric, narcisist and plain stupid stuff like: "honest", "TeamPlayer", "Creative beyond belief", "good with people"(imagine this shit if you are loking for a Vet Specialist, epic fail!) etc. Who are we trying to fool? I don't doubt you are all that and a little bit more, but please, SHOW it to me, don't just READ it to me ok?. I remember once I found the skill "Honesty" in some guy's resumé. I asked him during the interview, how much was the normal "bribe" for a traffic policeman if you exceeded the speed limit or passed a red light (very common practice in México,I am not saying that it's OK, but hey! it happens). He answered: "Well, around 100 pesos, but I have been let off the hook for $50!!". And he said it with pride, as if he was showing off his "negotiation" skills. After that, I took my red pen and crossed over the word "honesty" and asked him: OK, we are doing fine now. Any other bullshit you want me to cross over before I dismiss you?. Real case.

3) Typos. This is your life you are talking about!!. At least have the courtesy of writing your bullshity story with proper grammar.If anyone has typos in their CV, immediatly look for "attention to details" in the "Fantastic Skills" section. So typical.

4) Reading about your ambitions. Frankly, I don't care if you want to be master of the Universe and VP of sales in the next five years unless you are acually working for me. Then we will talk about a career development plan. But I just met you and you are already asking me for favours and telling me your plans?. Sorry pal, I am hiring someone because of what he/she can do for my business. What about if I tell YOU my plans and you tell ME what can you do to help me (or my company) reach them?

5) Lies intended to cover periods of unemployment. Don't tell me you decided to take a sabbathical at age 24. Don't tell me you decided to "find yourself" in Tibet. Truth prevails.I appreciate dealing with direct, honest people that are humans and that at some point in life, had a dry season. Nothing wrong with that.  Once, I interviewed (and hired) a candidate who wrote something I found inspiring: "You will find a 5 year gap in my resumé. I spent this period of time perfoming the most amazing job I will ever have: Being a mom." Truth prevails and it can open doors you did never imagine could exist. So don't lie. It works. Unless you want to be a politician (God forbid!)

OK, I said it. Finally, a heavy burden I get off my back. Good for me. Now, go out and smash the corporate world with a nice, honest, different, cool and interesting Resumé. Nothing else should be allowed.

Have a great weekend

Aureliano García